How to identify your boundaries and stick to them

Are you able to set boundaries and stick to them?   Or do they tend to be fluid based on other people’s needs and what is going on around you?

Without boundaries we can find ourselves jumping from one thing to another, with no structure or control, constantly fulfilling other peoples needs and priorities. 

Where do your needs and priorities fit into this?

Setting boundaries allows you and others know what is ok or not ok in the way you work.  It helps you move from a state of constant reaction to being able to respond in a considered and strategic way.  Setting boundaries can also help you to protect your energy and time. 

If you are someone that is constantly fitting in with others, here are some tips on how to get started with setting firm boundaries (and being ok with that!)

Start with self-awareness.  If your own needs and limits always at the bottom of your list, start by reflecting on how this impacts you and where setting boundaries would benefit you.

As a starting point ask; If you could put one boundary in place that could mean you are not beyond your limit or one of your needs are met what would that be? 

Areas for boundary setting could include:

• Last minute requests that impact you and your team,
• Behaviours that do not align with your values and culture,
• Expectations and standards, having non negotiables that are clearly communicated to everyone in your sphere of work,
• How you manage your time to improve productivity and effectiveness

Once you choose a boundary to intentionally put in place, practice protecting your boundary with clear, assertive language.  If the thought of this is uncomfortable, identify a low stakes situation where you can get started (a friend or mentor can help, share with them your assertiveness goal and run it past them first).

Are you someone who is more comfortable using “we”?  When it comes to your boundaries use "I" statements.  This adds clarity to your message and lets people know exactly where its coming from. For example, use something like  "I am not available at that time" instead of "The other department has a meeting on at that time, we will see what we can do."

Don’t apologise for your boundary – say thank you.  You don’t need to apologise, but if you feel it takes the sting out of protecting your boundary you can use a simple phrase such as thankyou for re-scheduling, for your patience, or for your understanding – whatever it is.

Practice self-compassion: Setting boundaries takes time and effort. Be kind to yourself, and don't get discouraged if you face setbacks or find yourself falling back into old habits. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem.

Don't second guess your boundary.  It doesn't have to fit in with everyone else, and if its right for you, its right.

Its ok to say no.  Sharing your boundaries with clarity allows others to say no and stick to their boundaries as well.

Setting boundaries can feel hard, because it takes courage to openly communicate what you do or don’t like, or your own needs.  Lack of boundaries can lead to resentment and feeling undervalued or taken advantage of.  Boundaries are critical for leaders to effective.  Be brave and be clear on yours.