Taming the Need to Be Right Monster

I was in a meeting where people talked louder and louder to be heard looking for validation of their perspective.  The root cause? They all wanted not only to be heard but to be right.

Why do some interactions feel more like a battle of wills than a shared conversation?

Have you ever noticed how the volume in a meeting seems to rise when everyone is trying to make their point heard? That energy, the push to be seen, heard, and validated often stems from an underlying need: the need to be right. While it may appear as confidence or assertiveness, if people respond and rise to the others behaviours it can quickly spiral into defensiveness, lack of collaboration and trust.

At its core, the need to be right is often a subconscious pattern rooted in fear, fear of being wrong, fear of being perceived as less capable, or fear of losing control. It stems from our need to be validated, to feel secure and to feel seen. 

If we have moments of a lack of self-awareness, it’s easy to fall into the trap of equating being right with getting the best outcomes.  In these moments we need to rely on our emotional intelligence, our ability to recognise, understand and manage our own emotions, and respond effectively to the emotions of others. And when it comes to managing the need to be right, it takes you beyond self-awareness and gives you the ability to choose a different behaviour in the moment.  

Going to the Dark Side

There is a dark side to every behaviour and their associated beliefs, when they are overdone.  When the need to be right takes charge, it silences other voices, innovation, and can create an “us vs. them” culture. You may win the argument but lose the engagement. 

In those moments, our brain shifts into self-protection mode, driven by fear, not facts. Without emotional awareness, that fear leaks out as defensiveness, arrogance, or control. And suddenly a conversation becomes a contest.

But when leaders operate with emotional intelligence, they can notice what’s going on internally and choose a more effective way forward.

We all have moments when our monster appears, so what can you do to tame yours?

Start with Awareness what are the situations where your need to be right shows up. Is it when someone challenges your idea? When a peer receives credit? When you feel uncertain, or you double down on something you really believe in? Awareness is the first and most critical step (of almost everything!) that supports you to notice your emotional state before it hijacks your behaviour. Ask yourself, what’s happening for me right now? Am I listening to understand, or just to respond? Sometimes, it’s not about the issue, it’s about how we’re feeling.  

Understand the Impact When leaders dominate the conversation or shut down opposing views, others begin to pull back. You’ll hear fewer ideas, and the team may avoid speaking up altogether. Over time, psychological safety erodes and with it, the team’s creativity and performance.

Choose Curiosity Over Certainty What if you didn’t need to have all the answers and instead your focused on creating the space for collective intelligence to emerge. Have open questions in your back pocket such as, “Tell me more.” or “Take me through your thinking.” These simple phrases shift the tone to curiosity.

Slow Down and Breathe, Response Matters
The moment you feel that heat rising, the urge to fix, interrupt, defend, or “correct”, take a breath. Use silence as your strategy. A moment of pause allows you to regulate your response and choose a more constructive path.

Redefine What “Good Leadership” Looks Like For You
Leadership isn’t about being right, it’s about being effective. It's about influence, over dominance. It’s about building teams that think critically, challenge assumptions, get the best outcomes and grow stronger through diverse thinking.

The next time you find yourself wanting to win a conversation or you’re in a meeting and feel the need to be right rising up, ask yourself: Am I leading from ego or emotional intelligence?  Would I rather be right, or be effective? 

Leadership is not being driven by the need to be right.  It’s having the ability to respond in the moment with awareness, humility and emotional clarity.