Turning the Need to be Liked into Something Far More Valuable

Hands up if you like to be liked?

Most of us have found ourselves worrying about what others think of us at some point. Seeking approval of others is a natural, human tendency. Yet, when we care too much about the opinions of others, it can start to take up a lot of our thinking space and start influencing our decisions and our behaviours. The desire to be liked and accepted can cause us to make choices based on others’ perceptions rather than our own needs and values.

If you’re like me and can struggle with prioritising others' opinions over your own, here are some steps to understand why this tendency exists, why it’s important to reframe it, and how to shift your focus into something much more productive.

Recognise the Need for Approval and Where It Comes From

The desire for external validation often stems from a need for belonging and self-worth. You may have learned early on that being is strongly linked to success or being one of the tribe, and even as adults, we carry that notion into our social and professional interactions. Let’s first acknowledge that wanting to be liked isn’t inherently bad—after all, community and connection are fundamental human needs.  It’s when its overdone or we become hyper aware of a relationship where we don’t feel connected, that it can be counterproductive.

Reflect on this: Ask yourself, What do I gain from seeking approval, and how does it serve me? Do you require connection or to be liked, to do your best work?  Consider if your need for validation is  a habit that is serving you.

What’s Really Driving This Need?

To begin the journey of letting go of approval-seeking, it’s essential to understand what you’re really seeking. Ask yourself:

• Are you craving security, respect, connection or acceptance?
• Is the need to be liked covering up a fear of judgment or not being good enough?

Understanding our deeper emotional need can reveal how this approval-seeking tendency developed and why it feels so critical. Once you identify the underlying reason, you can start addressing it with self-compassion and a willingness to make small, meaningful changes.

Putting Your Values Above Other People’s Perceptions

Values serve as our grounding force, helping us align with what truly matters. When we’re clear about our values, it becomes easier to separate what we want from what others expect of us. If kindness, honesty, or growth are values you cherish, use them as a filter for making decisions.

When you focus on living by your values rather than seeking external validation, you start to build a foundation of self-respect and confidence. Approval from others then becomes a nice-to-have, not a necessity.

Practice this: Write down your top three personal values. Each time you feel yourself slipping into people-pleasing mode, pause and ask, Does this align with my values?

Embrace Your Authenticity as a Path to Connection

Ironically, the more we worry about what others think, the further we drift from genuine connection and our authentic selves. People are more drawn to those who are simply themselves than to those who try to fit into every mold. Your authenticity is a bridge to true connection, which will support you to find your real tribe rather than just superficial approval.

Try this: To escape people pleasing try embracing small acts of authenticity, like telling people what you really think about a topic or choosing activities that genuinely interest you. Being authentic is not only more fulfilling but also attracts people who appreciate you for who you are (what a relief!).

Reframe Your Perspective: Take Back Control

At its core, seeking approval is an attempt to control how others perceive us. But the truth is, no matter how hard you try, you can’t control other people’s thoughts. Instead, focus on what you can control—your actions, your mindset, your growth and being you. Shift from the exhausting pursuit of approval and second guessing yourself to invest in things that bring value to your life.

Each time you catch yourself worrying about what others think, pause and reframe. Remind yourself, I can’t control their perception, but I can control my response and my actions.

Tune into what you are Telling Yourself

People pleasing or wanting approval can mean our internal talk relies on others.  Building your own sense of self-worth takes time. Start by recognising your strengths and celebrating small wins. This practice is as simple as noticing and appreciating the ways you show up every day. Each small step reinforces the belief that your self-worth isn’t dependent on anyone else’s approval.

Create a habit: At the end of each day, jot down one thing you did well, you backed yourself or a decision you made aligns with your values. Over time, these small affirmations will build your confidence from where it truly lives, within.

Letting go of approval-seeking doesn’t mean you’ll never care about others’ opinions again, and that’s okay. Transforming your need to be liked into self-affirmation is about freeing yourself from the exhausting mental cycle of approval-seeking.

What’s far more productive is aiming for a balanced approach: value the input of those who genuinely care about your well-being, growth, development and your success, but let go of the need to please everyone.

By understanding the root of your need, focusing on your values, and celebrating your authenticity, you can release the need to control others’ perceptions and step confidently into the things you can control—your actions, your mindset, and your growth.