Leadership is a Dance. Whose Music Are You Dancing To?

Have you ever found yourself adapting your approach, softening your message, or avoiding topics altogether around certain people at work? 

These are the unspoken “dances” we do as leaders; subtle patterns of behaviour that help us maintain harmony and make our approach more palatable for others. These habits can become part of our leadership style and toolkit. But if we find ourselves constantly adapting to others, and these patterns become habitual, it’s worth asking: whose music are you dancing to? 

Are you leading, or are you being led?

The Unspoken Steps of Leadership

Many of us develop strategies to make our environment feel more manageable or more favourable at work. We have people or situations we “dance around”, a senior leader who’s easily frustrated, a strong personality on the team, or a client who’s hard to please. In these situations, we may adapt to staying silent, over-preparing, sugar-coating or overcompensating. These behaviours may have served a purpose at one point and kept things smooth in the short term, but over time they can  take away our authenticity and clarity and frankly become exhausting. 

If you recognise this in your behaviours, how do you get back to finding your own rhythm, dancing to the beat of your own drum?

So how do you know when you are in a “dance,” and whose music are you dancing to? 

Start with taking a moment to reflect:

• Are there people whose presence changes your behaviour (be honest!)?
• Do you find yourself editing, over-explaining, or holding back around certain individuals?
• Are you second-guessing your own instinct to fit in with someone else’s agenda or rhythm?

If so, you might be dancing to their music without even realising it.

The Cost of Second-Guessing Your Own Beat

When we constantly second-guess ourselves, we are second guessing our own leadership.   Our brain is wired to keep us safe, not to help us lead boldly. When we sense social risk, like potential disapproval, conflict, or failure, the brain’s threat detection system, our amygdala, is activated. This triggers our protective behaviours: we minimise ourselves, avoid confrontation, stay agreeable, or over-edit what we really want to say.  What this can show up as is a “freeze” moment in a meeting, overthinking a simple email, or staying silent when we have something valuable to offer.  If these strategies, shaped by past experiences and reinforced by your brain’s drive for safety and belonging, seemingly work and we avoid the threat, they can become our go to response, which is why we find ourselves repeating the behaviour over and over again.  The downside is even while this pattern might feel safe in the moment, it keeps you small.  We know the habit is not serving us, but we struggle to change it and over time it limits our leadership impact, erodes our confidence and you end up second guessing yourself.

So, how do we shift it and choose a different pattern, or music to dance to?

When you notice yourself holding back, take a pause and ask:

What am I afraid might happen if I speak up or stay true to my rhythm?

Is this fear real, or is it an old pattern trying to keep me safe?

What’s the actual risk here, and what’s the long-term cost of staying small?

This is where self-leadership kicks in. You can choose another tool from your leadership toolkit. That could look like:

• Speak with intention rather than waiting for the “perfect” moment,
• Holding your ground rather than immediately accommodating,
• Trusting your instinct and leading the conversation instead of following it. 

Learning to recognise when your brain is running an old script enables you to take charge and interrupt the pattern. By making a choice. That’s what emotional intelligence looks like in action.

So where to from here?  

Firstly, recognise when you’re adjusting more than is necessary.   How do you know?  The cost of constantly dancing to someone else’s tune will outweigh the return on that investment.  Is it really working for you?

The second is choice.  The choice you are making regarding how you want to show up.

Here’s how you can begin to reclaim your rhythm:

Notice the pattern. Who do you change for, and why? What beliefs are driving that?  How can you prepare for a different conversation or outcome?

Name your own beat. What’s important to you as a leader, clarity, consistency, candour, respect?  Start to live your values.

Practise staying in step. Choose one upcoming interaction where you’ll intentionally lead from your own rhythm, even if it feels uncomfortable.

You don’t have to dance to someone else’s tune. Leadership is about creating your rhythm, not reacting to it. That doesn’t mean ignoring feedback or pushing your style on others, it means anchoring yourself in your values, then adapting with intention rather than from a place of habit or choosing safety.

So next time you feel yourself adjusting to make things easier, ask:
Is this who I want to be right now?
Is this the music I want my leadership and my team to follow?

Lead with rhythm, not reaction.