Sorry not Sorry; stop over apologising

As leaders, people are watching your every word, and every conversation is an opportunity to send a powerful message.  While apologising is an essential skill for correcting genuine mistakes and maintaining trust, excessive apologies or over apologising can undermine your authority and the team's confidence in your decisions. 

If you want to stop over apologising and have more constructive conversations, let’s explore the messages you are sending and how you can address challenges more constructively.

If frequent apologies are your go to response, start to understand when and why you apologise.  Are the apologies always warranted?  Over apologising can stem from a need to avoid conflict or a lack of confidence in our own decisions. It can be linked to a high level of agreeableness or anxiety about maintaining harmony and approval. However, while well-intentioned, this behaviour can inadvertently signal to others a level of uncertainty or a lack of conviction, which may not be accurate and can diminish your perceived competence.

If you find yourself over apologising to people higher up the ladder than you, this can be a way of reinforcing traditional hierarchical structures, highlighting status differences and undermining one’s your own confidence and perceived competence in your role.  It subtly communicates subordination, potentially leading to a reduced ability to act independently or be seen as a leader.

So how do you appear confident, whilst also addressing what’s not working?

Instead of defaulting to an apology, we can use other expressions that promote open, constructive communication and problem-solving.  Next time you reach for the I’m sorry, try one of these instead:

• Instead of saying "I’m sorry for the confusion," acknowledge the issue head on "I see there’s some confusion. Let’s clarify the expectations."
• Replace a direct apology with self-reflective insights, such as "I can see areas where I could have done things differently. Let’s explore how we can adjust our approach moving forward."
• Replace apologising with affirmations like "Thank you for your patience as we navigate these changes," which acknowledges the issue without compromising one’s leadership stance.
• In situations where decisions don’t pan out as expected, rather than apologising, focus on learning, "Let’s discuss what can be improved," encouraging a constructive review of the situation.

Save sorry for when its really required and increase engagement

When we move away from over-apologising, it encourages a shift from passive acceptance ("it's okay") to active engagement. Prompting team members to provide feedback or solutions turns challenges into collaborative problem-solving opportunities. This approach not only strengthens the team’s resilience but also enhances collective efficacy.

To see yourself as a leader, and to be seen as a leader, requires clarity and confidence. By reducing unnecessary apologies and focusing on constructive, affirming communication, we as leaders can maintain our authority, create a more proactive team environment, and enhance the effectiveness of their leadership. The goal is to lead with assurance and invite participation, turning challenges into opportunities for team growth and cohesion.