When Leadership Styles Collide

Oct 03, 2024

Having a solid connection with your leader can make all the difference in your work experience. Connection can mean an environment when you are empowered and supported to do your best work, where as a lack of connection can be de-motivating, and leave you feeling undervalued.

There can be a lot of reasons why you experience a lack of connection or alignment with your leader.  Maybe your styles of communication are like night and day, or you value different things entirely. It can feel frustrating and leave you wondering, “What am I doing wrong?” or “What am I doing here?”  The truth is, you’re not alone, and this situation is more common than you think. 

How do you handle it when you are really struggling to build connection with the person your report to?

Lets work through some practical tips you can apply when your style doesn’t align with the person you report to and when its time to consider what’s next.

Start with the Differences

First things first, identify what’s causing the disconnect. Is it your communication styles? Maybe your boss is a numbers-driven person, and you’re more focused on people and relationships. Or perhaps they thrive on structure while you prefer flexibility and autonomy. You might value collaboration, while they believe in making swift decisions solo. Identifying these differences and bringing them out into the open helps you understand the source of the friction.

Take a moment to reflect on your interactions. Do certain meetings feel tense or confusing? Are your suggestions often dismissed, or do you feel like you're not being heard? Once you identify where the differences are, it’s easier to know what to do next.

Time to Adapt—Without Losing Yourself

Once you know where you differ, it’s time to adapt. This doesn’t mean abandoning your style or values. It’s about meeting in the middle. If they’re more formal and structured, try presenting your ideas in a more organised way (or use a format they use). If they value data and results, back up your points with statistics or measurable outcomes.

Adaptation is a two-way street. You’ll get better at communicating with them, and they’ll notice the effort. This will lead to better collaboration over time, even if your styles never completely align. Think of it as learning a new language, you're just becoming more adept at workplace communication.

If you feel the two-way street is lacking its time to ask for some feedback that is specific and actionable.  Ask your leader for direction.

Seek Understanding, Not Agreement

You’re not always going to agree with your leader, and that’s okay. You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything to work well together. Instead of trying to bring them along with your way of thinking, focus on understanding their perspective. Why do they lead the way they do? What pressures or priorities are they juggling that you may not see?

Share what you see as the differences between you as a way to generate two-way understanding.

A great way to bridge the gap is to ask questions—genuine, curious questions. This doesn’t mean challenging their authority but seeking to understand their approach. For instance, asking, “I noticed that you prefer to make decisions quickly—could you help me understand what factors you’re considering?” opens the door for more dialogue.  Another great question is to pick up certain words or language they use and specifically ask “when you say ….. what does that mean to you?”

Play to Their Strengths

Every leader has their strengths, take a moment to pinpoint where your boss is playing to theirs. Maybe they’re focused on driving results or great at having difficult conversations. 

How can you add value that compliments their strengths?  For example, if your leader is a visionary but lacks detail orientation, offer to handle the finer points of a project. If they’re a stickler for deadlines, position yourself as the person who keeps things on track. This not only makes you more valuable but also creates common ground where your strengths can complement their leadership style.

Communicate Your Needs—Clearly

Sometimes leaders aren’t aware of how their style affects others. They might think they’re doing a great job because no one is telling them anything different. If your boss isn’t connecting with you or others, or are depleting trust with you and your team it’s possible they don’t realise there’s an issue.

Have a respectful, private conversation about what you need to succeed. Frame it in a way that’s about improving both your work and the team’s performance. For example asking  “I’ve noticed that I work best when I have a bit more context before jumping into a project. Could we discuss some key points before we dive in?” If nothing else is cutting through try delivering some direct, constructive feedback, focused on performance and not personal preferences.

Look for Common Ground

Even if you’re polar opposites in many ways, shared values are a great enabler. Maybe you’re both committed to the company’s success, or you both value hard work and integrity. Find that common ground and use it as a foundation to have open conversations and build a stronger working relationship.

Once you identify shared values, frame your conversations around those shared beliefs. How can you put forward your ideas in a way that has value to them?

Its great when it works, what happens when it doesn’t?

Building a connection with your leader won’t happen overnight. Especially if you have very different styles or values, it’s going to take time for both of you to find a rhythm. Stay consistent, keep adapting, and focus on the long game. 

We can create working relationships without personal connection.

What if we cant overcome our differences?  If you are doing all the heavy lifting and you’ve tried everything—adapting, communicating, seeking common ground—and you’re still feeling disconnected, its generally time to reassess. Not every working relationship is going to click, and that’s okay. If you are in a environment that is not supporting you to do your best work and becomes de-motivating, you may need to consider if this is the right environment for you.

Once these thoughts start to creep in, I recommend consulting with a trusted colleague or mentor to get a different perspective. Particularly an outside view can provide clarity or suggest strategies you haven’t considered on how to move forward.

Not every leader will align with our style or values, but that doesn’t mean we can’t build productive and successful working relationships. By adapting, communicating, and finding ways to leverage each other’s strengths, you can bridge the gap. 

It’s not always easy, but building a connection with your leader can have a huge impact on your day-to-day mindset and working environment. Take it step by step and  remember: professional growth often comes from navigating these kinds of challenges.

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